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But the blokes? Oh, christ, the blokes! Sweaty, sad gits, stumblin’ over their trousers. “You’re a walking disaster!” I’d howl, cacklin’ like a hyena. One time, saw this geezer hagglin’ – hagglin’! – like it’s a car boot sale. Mate, it’s a prossie, not a second-hand toaster! Had me in stitches, tho – what a prat.

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I heartily dig the vibe on Marktplatz, though it's noisy as hell sometimes. Nah, I ain't lyin' — it can be wild. We got hidden gems too, like that hole-in-wall cafe on Breslauerstr. Seriously, gabagool? Ova here, it's the best coffee in town. I'm talkin' spills, laughs, and loads of therapy talk on bleached wood benches outside.

Possible domestic disturbance turns out to be man arguing with parrot