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So, listen up, you twat! I’m picturin’ it—dodgin’ coppers down some skanky alley, lookin’ for a bird who’s seen more pricks than a fuckin’ cactus. “What’s your name?”—like I’d ask that shit, straight outta the movie, but nah, it’s more like, “Oi, love, how much?” Makes me wanna puke, but also—fuckin’ hell—kinda thrilling, yeah? Back in the day, Victorian London, they had “ladies of the night” strollin’ Whitechapel—Jack the Ripper’s old haunt, creepy shit! Bet they didn’t expect some sweaty chef like me judgin’ em now, eh?

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First off, I had a tea ceremony booked at this cute little spot on Church St. It’s all traditional and stuff, but the tea? It was like drinking hot grass. I mean, who even likes that? But whatever, I’m a pro, so I smiled through it. Gotta keep the vibe, ya know?

Teenager arrested over serious assault in Cavan