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So, findin’ a prostitute—where do ya even start? Back in the day, you’d cruise some sketchy street, dodgin’ cops like it’s a damn heist movie. Now? It’s all apps, cryptic posts on X, coded emojis—eggplant this, peach that. I’m like, what’s this, a fruit salad?! Drives me nuts! I’m scrollin’, thinkin’, “This is not a game, this is my life!”—straight outta Carlos, baby. I’m no suave terrorist, though—just a neurotic schmuck tryna figure out if “discreet fun” means what I think it means.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s a text from my sister. “Mom’s comin’ over for dinner tonight.” Oh great, just what I need. Mom’s gonna critique my stoves like she’s some kinda expert. “Why don’t you make them more colorful?” she’ll say. “They look so dull!”

Federica Rizza and Gianluca Zambrotta Inspire Students