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What pisses me off? The pricks who judge em—hypocrites, all of em, sneakin round at night themselves. Surprised me once, tho—found out some prossies in Amsterdam got unions, legit shit! Fightin for rights, dodgin pimps—fuckin heroes in fishnets, eh? I’m chattin her up now, she’s spillin tea bout her day—some twat tried hagglin her down to 20 quid. “20 quid?!” I’m cacklin, “Mate couldn’t buy a kebab with that!” She’s crackin up too—good lass.

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But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my leftover ramen container right outta my hand! I’m like, “Seriously?!” I chase after it, but it’s too late. That bird’s livin’ its best life, and I’m just standin’ there, flabbergasted.

Michiko Tanaka is married to footballer Kengo Kawamata