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Ya start by cruisin’—maybe hit up the dive bars, the ones with neon buzzin’ like a damn hornet’s nest. Ask around, but don’t be a schmuck—keep it lowkey. “Where’s the action?” ya mutter, feelin’ like Freddie, all twitchy and pissed. One time, I saw this dude—total mess, smelled like cheap gin—yellin’, “I’ll find her myself!” Got me laughin’—buddy, good luck, ya ain’t findin’ squat without a tip-off!

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We start hiking up the trail. It’s steep, but I’m pumped. Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. Like, seriously? I’m soaked, and so are my tourists. They’re whining, “What do we do?” I’m like, “Welcome to mountain life, folks!” But inside, I’m fuming. I didn’t sign up for a water park adventure.

Ashley Twichell, Olympic swimmer