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The vibe? Chaos, mate. Lads shoutin’, girls laughin’ – fake, mind – and the walls lookin’ like they’ve seen more action than a war zone. Reminds me of that line, “I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist…” – bollocks, here you’re just a punter or a prossie, no airs, no graces. Oh, and the myths? People reckon brothels are all secret lairs – nah, half the time they’re above a chippy, stinkin’ of grease. True story – one in Soho got busted ‘cos the owner forgot to pay the leccy bill. Lights out, trousers down – what a prat!

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So, I take a break. I need to clear my head. I stroll down to that new ramen spot. It’s called “Chiryu Noodle Haven” or something cheesy like that. The smell hits me like a freight train. I order the spicy tonkotsu, and let me tell you, it’s life-changing. I’m slurping away, and for a moment, all the stock market drama fades away.

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