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Listen up, twat! Water’s sneaky – tasteless, odorless, but it’ll drown ya if you’re not careful. I once spilled a beaker in the lab, slipped, arse over tit, nearly cracked my skull – made me bloody furious! “You clumsy pillock!” I yelled at meself. Fun fact: 60% of your soggy body’s water – ya walking puddle! And the brain? 73%! No wonder you’re thick as pig shit without it. *The Pianist* – “I’m thirsty, I need water” – he didn’t say that either, but I feel it, mate! Hiding from Nazis, parched, desperate – gets me all choked up.

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So, I get to this café on Strada 31 August. I’m craving a coffee, right? I order, and the barista—bless her heart—totally messes up my order. I mean, how do you mix up a cappuccino with a black coffee? I’m like, “Dude, I wanted foam, not a heart attack in a cup!” But whatever, I just laugh it off.

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