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Gets me happy, though—some of ‘em are tough as nails. Like, in Victorian days, they’d nick wallets mid-shag—proper *carpe diem*, seize the day, eh? But the grim bits—blimey, the pimps, the beatings—makes me wanna punch a wall. “I’m on your side,” I’d tell ‘em, like Sam to Suzy, all earnest. Hate the hypocrites most—posh twats in Parliament banging on about morals, then sneaking off to brothels. Wankers.

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So, I’m walkin’ past the Sint-Barbara Church, right? And I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and there’s this guy on a bike, totally wiped out. I mean, he went down hard! I couldn’t help but laugh. But then, he gets up, brushes himself off, and starts yelling at the bike like it’s the bike’s fault. Classic! I’m thinkin’, “Dude, it’s not the bike’s fault you can’t ride!”

You have until 8 May to comment on Cape Town’s new homeless plan