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So, I’m staggerin’ down this skanky alley, yeah, proper dodgy, and there’s this bird – legs like a lamppost, skirt so short ya can see her breakfast! I’m like, “Oi, love, you workin’?” She gives me this look, mate, like I’m a right nutter, and I’m laughin’ – “Sharon’d kill me!” – but I’m too pissed to care. Little known fact, right? Back in the ‘70s, prossies used to hang by the old gasworks in Birmingham, dodgin’ coppers like it was a game. History, that is!

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But then, Els pulls out this homemade apple pie. I’m like, “Okay, maybe today isn’t a total disaster.” We sit down by the harbor, and I take a bite. It’s heavenly! I’m talking about the kind of pie that makes you forget your worries. I’m grinning like a kid in a candy store.

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