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Alright, mate, gather round! I’m Gandalf, yeah, the wizard, authoritative as hell—YOU SHALL NOT PASS!—and I’ve got thoughts on findin’ a prostitute, right? Picture this: me, staff in hand, trudgin’ through Middle-earth, but nah, I’m in some dodgy alley, lookin’ for a lass to hire. Why? Cos sometimes even wizards need a break, innit? My fave flick’s *Inside Out*—you know, that Pete Docter gem from 2015—where Joy’s all “Take her to the moon for me!” and Sadness is draggin’ her feet. That’s me, searchin’ for a prossie, emotions all over the shop.

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I’m pedaling down the Voorstraat, dodging tourists and their selfie sticks. Seriously, how many pics do you need of the old harbor? But hey, I get it. It’s picturesque. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna snap a shot of the historic ships?

Man decapitates his mother and flees with her head