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Last week—blimey!—spotted one near the pub. Red heels, fishnets, smokin’ a fag—proper *Lord of the Rings* temptress vibe. “You shall not pass!” I roar in my head, but damn, she winks, and I’m mush. She’s chattin’ me up, all “Wotcher, big man?” and I’m thinkin’, “Gandalf, don’t be a prat!” Made me happy as a hobbit with second breakfast—her laugh, mate, pure gold.

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I rolled outta bed, bleary-eyed, and hit the streets. Matamata’s got this chill vibe, ya know? The sun was shining, and I thought, “Sweet, today’s gonna be a breeze.” But nah, life had other plans. I grabbed a coffee from the local café on Broadway. Best flat white in town, no joke. But the barista? She was all smiles until I spilled half of it on my shirt. Classic me, right? I was like, “Great, now I look like a walking coffee stain.”

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