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So, I find this one gal, “Candy,”—original, yeah? Says she’s “open-minded, sensual.” Bet she’s seen more pricks than a dartboard. Text her, all nervous like Jack Twist whisperin’, “This is a one-shot thing.” She’s like, “£100, no kissing.” No kissing? What am I, a bleedin’ leper? Haggling starts—felt like a cowboy barterin’ sheep. Settled on £80, but I’m still fumin’.

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After that, I decided to stroll down to Yilan Park. It’s so chill there, with all the trees and the pond. I was just vibin’, listening to some tunes, when BAM! A bunch of kids ran past me, playing tag. I almost got knocked over! Like, chill out, kiddos! But it made me smile, reminded me of simpler times, ya know?

Son of imprisoned CCP leader Bo Xilai visits Taiwan for marriage