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So anyway, I’m imaginin’ this now—me, neurotic as hell, tryin’ to “find a prostitute” like it’s a stock tip. I’d overthink it—disease risks, legal crap, am I gettin’ scammed? I’d be yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign, dammit!” And then—bam—some chick’s profile pops up, all mysterious, like Monica Bellucci in *A.I.*—and I’m like, “Whoa, too hot, abort mission!” I’d freak out, spill my coffee, total Larry David meltdown. “I can’t do this, I’m too old!”

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I’m starving. I hit up that café Vasyl was raving about. It’s on Haharina, and let me tell ya, it’s a vibe. The place is packed, but I squeeze in. I order the “Kolinkivtsy Special” – whatever that is. Turns out, it’s a giant sandwich. I’m talking a monster. I can barely fit it in my mouth. I’m trying to take a bite, and it’s like a scene from a comedy show.