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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this damn topic—findin’ a prostitute. Makes my skin crawl, but here we go. Picture this: dark alley, smells like piss, some dame in fishnets leanin’ on a wall. Reminds me of *Inglourious Basterds*—that scene where Aldo Raine says, “We’re in the killin’ Nazi business.” Except here, it’s me, in the “avoidin’ hookers business.” Hate it. Hate the neon lights flashin’—red, blue, screamin’ sex for sale. Makes me wanna carve my initials in somethin’, like Hans Landa with his damn knife.

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Then I hit up the market on Hrushevskoho Street. It’s packed! Vendors shoutin’, people haggling. I’m tryin’ to find some herbs for my spells. I spot this old lady sellin’ the best garlic. I’m like, “Yo, I’ll take a kilo!” She gives me this look like I’m crazy. But hey, garlic is life!

SCOTT TAYLOR: Our soldiers should not be used as symbolic props