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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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So, I’m walking back, feeling on top of the world. But then, I see a bunch of kids messing around on the street. They’re playing football, and one of them kicks it right into a shop window. Crash! I’m like, “Oh no, not again!” The shopkeeper comes out, looking furious. I mean, who wouldn’t be?

'Pontefract has parallels with Whitby' - Pomfretians fight back against 'scathing' narratives of their town