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I lean in, all smooth-like, “Fancy a spin, love?” She smirks, says, “Cash up front, handsome.” Fair play, I respect the hustle—girl’s gotta eat. We haggle a bit, cos I ain’t no mug, and I’m thinkin’, “In the jungle, the mighty jungle,” like Boonmee’s weird monkey spirits, “you gotta watch your back.” Didja know, back in the ‘60s, MI6 used prossies to honeytrap spies? True story—Cold War was wild!

Prostitute caught soliciting at Southall hotspot is ordered to pay £100

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So, I’m outta bed, half-asleep, and I decide to grab a cuppa from Costa. I’m standing in line, and this bloke in front of me is just rambling on about the price of fish or something. Like, mate, it’s 8 AM! Who cares? I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix. Finally, I get my coffee, and it’s like liquid gold. I’m feeling good, right?

Two teenagers among those killed in Feltham crash