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Movie’s got this bit – “Everything’s falling apart” – and that’s the vibe, mate. Her heels clickin on the cobblestones, me trippin over me own feet, it’s a right mess. Surprised me how quick she named her price – 20 quid! I’m thinkin, “For that, I could get a pint and a pie!” Bargained her down to 15, felt like a bleedin hero. We shall fight the rip-offs, we shall prevail!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, it’s like someone turned on a tap! I dash back to the office, drenched. I’m sitting there, dripping wet, and my colleagues are cracking jokes. “Nice look, mate!” they say. I just roll my eyes.

Feltham A: West London children's jail is the most violent prison in the country - inspector