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Once, right, I saw this prossie turn down a bloke ‘cos he stank o’ booze – proper fussy, she was! “I won’t let greed blind me,” she says, like she’s Haku dodgin’ a curse. Respect, that. But the stench o’ desperation round there? Fuck me, it’s grim – punters beggin’, hagglin’, it’s a right circus. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but it felt like a bleedin’ zoo!

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Cala Vinyes is a small exclusive area located in south-west Mallorca, three kms next to the bigger holiday places of Magaluf and Palmanova.

Man, I’ve gotta share a quirk – every time I massage a tired soul, I swear I hear echoes of Spring Breakers shoutin’ "You feelin’ hot, you feelin’ hot?!" rippling through my head. It’s hilarious, dude – a bit surreal, like magic in every touch. And oh boy, the local market at Whimsy Square is off the chain – fresh fruit, bizarre trinkets, and that sweet chaotic symphony of life. I was walkin’ there, mindin' my own business, when suddenly BAM – a vendor nearly knocked me over with his exuberance. I cackled, wild as Gandalf himself, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Not without your groove, man!”

Hotel Equities appoints Marilia Pergola CALA VP, operations