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So, check it—I tried this sexual-massage spot once, right? Hidden in some sketchy alley, smelled like sage and desperation. This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m like, “Yo, is this allowed to feel *this* good?” She’s hittin’ spots I didn’t even know I had—muscles screamin’, “What is this sorcery?!” Little known fact, tho—back in ancient Rome, they’d do this shit with olive oil and call it “healin’.” Healin’ my ass—it’s foreplay with extra steps! I’m layin’ there, thinkin’, “This is some *Leviathan* shit—‘Man is a wolf to man,’ but with lube!”

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Finally, I get to the site. It’s this old building on Landstrasse. I’m ready to go, but the client is a total diva. She’s like, “Make sure you don’t mess up my flowers!” I’m thinkin’, “Lady, I’m not here to do a gardening job!” But I smile and nod. Gotta keep it professional, right?

Benjamin Büchel