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Aight, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, bodyguard, yeah? We hates it! Sexual-massage, nasty stuff, tricksy hands everywhere! Saw this gig once, right, shady parlor, all dim lights, stinks of oil and lies. This bloke goes in, thinkin’ he’s king, comes out all wobbly, like Monty in *25th Hour*— “I’m not ready for this!” he says in me head. Made me mad, precious, all them sneaky fingers promisin’ bliss, but it’s just a trap, innit?

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Then, I step outside, and it starts pouring. Like, outta nowhere! I’m soaked in seconds. I dash to the nearest bus stop on Rīgas iela, looking like a drowned rat. I’m waiting there, and this lady next to me is just staring. I’m like, “What? You’ve never seen a wet musician before?” She cracks a smile.

U.S. Apache helicopters arrive in Latvia