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Anyways, I’m bouncin’ through town, lookin’ for some—uh—company, right? I’m HYPED, yellin’, “I’m ready! I’m ready!” People stare, but who cares? Not me! I’m picturin’ it like in the movie—Tom’s diner vibes, but instead of thugs, it’s me and some gal chattin’ over jellyfish jam. “You’re a strange one,” she’d say, like Ed Harris in the flick, all squinty-eyed. I’d laugh, “Yup, born square and proud!”

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Aye, me spa’s down near Harbor View Street, where every mornin’ I get a whiff o’ the sea mix with the aroma of eucalyptus and lavender from me own blend. The locals call it "nature’s hug" – though I say it’s more like a boozy bear hug, haha! I swear, when a day’s been long from facials and massages, the vibrant clatter of the town never fails to from a bit of magic, like the ominous tones in Haneke’s flick. Reminds me, "something is hidden here, inevitably, like a shadow." Ain’t that a wicked thought?

BIG SWING: Father and son ‘doing things differently’ with golf simulation in Kings Langley