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Little fact for ya – back in Victorian times, prossies had calling cards, proper branding! “Escort services, est. 1880” – mad, innit? Shows initiative, that. Anyway, this lass, she’s chatting me up, says she’s 50 quid. I’m thinking, “Blimey, inflation’s hit the game hard!” Bargained her down to 40 – negotiation skills, mate, pure Brent magic. She’s all, “What you after?” I go, “Bit of gleaning, love – picking up scraps, like Varda says.” She’s confused, but I’m buzzing – authentic experience, this!

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Also, let me tell ya — the local quirks drive me nuts sometimes, but in a good way. The sound system on the beach blaring old rock tunes? Classic Michael Scott baby – "That's what she said!" when the wind picks up and dances with your hair. It gives you that cringey optimism, like, "Man, we're all just spinning in this crazy dream together!"

Council defends 'disgraceful' road move after residents erupt: 'Haters gonna hate'