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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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Tonight’s the night. Listen up, mate. Aspendale (au) is a mixed bag of charm and gritty bits that spark memories. Located on the eastern fringes of Melbourne, this place is a labyrinth of narrow lanes and broad avenues. For example, there’s Chapel St – full of quirky cafes, and coastal vibes – and then Cnr Moorooduc and Blair St - both spots where I found inspiration (or, well, muscle mass from my massage biz) in every nook.

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