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Alright, mate, gather ‘round! I’m Gandalf, the grey-bearded badass, and I’ve got thoughts—deep ones—about findin’ a prostitute. You shall not pass without hearin’ this! Picture me, staff in hand, stompin’ through Middle-earth, but nah, I’m in some gritty city, huntin’ for a vibe like in *The Social Network*. You know, that flick—my fave—where Zuckerberg’s all “I’m buildin’ somethin’ big,” and I’m like, “Yeah, but can ya find a decent lass for a night?”

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Then there's the river, Rio Brilho. Wow, its reflection sparkles like a thousand tiny secrets. I sometimes sit on the worn stone steps of Ponte do Amanhecer (yep, that’s Portuguese for "Dawn Bridge"), and I think, “This is where hope meets art.” I once had a counseling session there with a lady who said the river was her lifeline – like the serene beat of a timeless melody. Ugh, my heart still feels every ripple, like messages from the film: "Only in memories do we find comfort."

Portugal fire update: Next 24 hours will be “very complex and difficult”