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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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I wander over to the serene Seepark, daft, it's like nature whisperin' secrets to your soul. There’s the little hidden pond near Lindenweg where I once sat, doin' my relaxation mumbo jumbo (I mean, come on, who wouldn’t enjoy that vibe, huh?) uhhh, I even saw a duck that acted, like, super zen. Hehe!

Ace of Trades: Handpicking formal attire is a dream job for Carly Burdette-Goch