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Right, so—how’s it work? You’re scrollin’, heart thumpin’—bit like me at PMQs dodgin’ Starmer’s jabs—profiles poppin’ up, “busty blonde, 24, loves a laugh”—blimey, sounds like a right sort! *The Secret in Their Eyes* again—“Memory is a mirror that lies”—cos them pics? Dodgy filters, mate, catfished worse than a Thames eel! Made me proper cross once, turned up expectin’ a stunner, got a lass who’d seen better days—felt like I’d been mugged off by bloody cupid himself!

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So, I grabbed a ladder and climbed up. I’m not exactly a handyman, but I figured, “How hard can it be?” Spoiler: it was hard. I slipped, almost fell, and let out a yelp that echoed through the church. I’m pretty sure I scared a few parishioners. “Just testing the acoustics!” I yelled. They didn’t buy it.

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