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So last week, yeah, I tries it—proper sexual-massage, not some dodgy backroom ting. Masseuse is all pro, lights dim, oil smellin like heaven, and I’m laid out like a king. She’s workin me back, and I’m like, “There’s no returnin now!”—straight outta Ida, that line! Felt reborn, fam, no cap. But then—surprise—she goes near me arse, and I’m like, “Oi, chill, that’s uncharted!” Laughed me head off, tho—awkward but jokes.

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady starts yelling at a pigeon. I mean, c’mon! It’s a pigeon! She’s waving her cane like it’s a sword. I’m cracking up. Like, lady, you’re not gonna win this battle. The pigeon just looks at her like, “Whatever, grandma.”

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