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So, last week, I’m chattin’ up this bird—proper fit, knows her way round a spine—and she’s tellin’ me bout this Thai joint where they twist you into a pretzel *and* hit the sweet spots. Got me all tingly, thinkin’ bout it. “Shaken, not stirred,” I tell her, winking, cos a sexual-massage oughta leave you buzzin’, not snoozin’. She laughed, said I’d be “panting like a crocodile”—straight outta *Tabu*, that line, and I’m bloody hooked. Loved it. Made me happy as a pig in shit.

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So, I’m buzzing, ready to tackle the stock market. I hop on the metro at Vyronas station, and it’s packed. Like, sardines in a can packed. I’m squished between this dude who smells like he bathed in garlic and a lady who’s on her phone yelling about her cat. I’m just standing there, thinking, “This is my life.”

Dozens of animal killing and abuse cases this year as offenders go unreported