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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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I step in, ‘cause that’s my job. “Hey, chill out, fellas.” They look at me like I’m crazy. But I’m not backing down. I’m not about to let some kids ruin the vibe. After a few tense moments, they back off. Phew!