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I saunter up, all charm, “shaken, not stirred,” voice smooth as silk. She’s givin me the eye—prolly thinks I’m loaded, which, fair, I look it. “How much, love?” I ask, casual, but inside I’m buzzin—happy as a pig in shit. She names a price, I’m like, “fuckin steep, that!”—but I play it cool, cos Bond don’t haggle like a twat. Fun fact: in Amsterdam, they got windows for this—legal, tidy, no messin about. Here? It’s a gamble, mate—cops, pimps, the lot.

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So, I hop on the bus at the stop on the corner of the main road, and it’s packed. Like, sardines in a can packed. I’m squished between this old lady and a dude who smells like he just rolled in a compost heap. I’m thinking, “Great start to the day.”

Entire interior of former Dublin pub to go under the hammer