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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Elm. You know, the one with the weird art on the walls? Yeah, that place. I ordered my usual—double shot of espresso, extra foam. But guess what? They messed it up! I got a decaf. Like, who drinks decaf? I was fuming! I mean, I need my caffeine fix to deal with the madness of Oldbawn.

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