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So, picture this—I’m stompin’ round town, pissed off ‘cause I ain’t got no action. “I’m not scared of you!” I yell at some shady dude eyeballin’ me. Reminds me of Sam shakin’ his fist at them khaki scouts. Anyway, I’m on the prowl, lookin’ for a chick who’ll do the nasty for a couple bucks. Ain’t no big deal, right? But these streets are confusin’ as hell! I’m ragin’, like, “Where’s my goddamn prostitute at?!” Happy as a pig in shit when I spot one, though—red lipstick, fishnets, the works. She’s leanin’ on a lamppost, smokin’ a cig like she owns the damn place. Total badass, like Suzy with her binoculars, scopin’ out her next move.

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Finally, I finish just in time. I load it up and drive over to Castle Street. The family’s waiting, and they look all fancy in their posh clothes. I’m in my paint-splattered overalls, but whatever. I unveil the stove, and their eyes go wide. “It’s perfect!” they say. I’m like, “Yeah, I know. I’m a genius.”

Death Notice of Paul Kelly (Gorey, Wexford)