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Oi mate, right, so I’m David Brent, yeah, top dog from Wernham Hogg, but today I’m moonlighting as some Russian job classifier geezer—mental, innit? Anyway, let’s chat “find a prostitute”—not your usual 9-to-5 gig, eh? Proper underground stuff. Picture this: me, strutting about like the Joker from *The Dark Knight*—best film ever, hands down—“Why so serious?” I’d say, twirling a pen like it’s a bloody knife. Cracking movie, that. Heath Ledger? Legend. Absolute chaos merchant. Anyway, back to the prossie hunt.

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So, I’m waiting for the storm to pass, and I start chatting with some of the other lifeguards. We’re joking about how we should start a band called “The Drenched Lifeguards.” I mean, we’d totally rock it. But then, just as the rain stops, I see a rainbow. Like, a legit rainbow over Ratoath. It’s beautiful. I’m standing there, thinking, “Maybe today ain’t so bad after all.”

'I wish I had not sacrificed those six precious months with my baby boy'