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So, Find a Prostitute—sounds like a bad Craigslist ad, but it’s real, yo. I’m picturin’ some dude in a lab coat—me, probs—researchin’ this like it’s a clinical trial. Consent forms? Check. Risky behavior? Double check. I’m laughin’ my ass off thinkin’ about it—some poor sap tryin’ to “defuse” the situation, like in Bigelow’s flick. “The rush of battle is a potent addiction,” she says—ha! Swap battle for a shady motel room, and bam, you’re hooked, buddy.

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Then, I had a client meeting at a café on Via Madonna del Ponte. I was all set to help this lady find a dress for her daughter’s wedding. She was late, of course. I mean, c’mon, it’s Balestrate! You can’t be late to a meeting when the sun’s shining and the gelato’s calling! Finally, she shows up, and she’s like, “I need something fabulous!” I’m thinking, “Girl, we’re in a small town, not Milan!” But I kept my cool.

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