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Gollum likes it rough—hiss—rubbing knots out, ouch! Once got a masseuse, hands like vices—thought she’d snap me spine! Laughed, tho—called her “Sarge,” like flick! “Hang on, we’re going home,” I mumbled—felt like a mission done. Exaggerate? Sure, felt like she massaged me soul out—poof! Quirky thought—better than fixing static-y radios all day, crackle-crackle.

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I start my audit, and things are looking sketchy. I mean, come on! The receipts don’t match up. I’m like, “Did you guys even keep track of your sales?” The owner, Marco, is sweating bullets. He’s all, “It’s just a little mistake!” A little mistake? More like a huge mess!

Giuseppe Russo dies at 23, bitten by a violin spider