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Start online, obvi. Sites like Backpage are gone, RIP, but there’s sketchy forums now. X posts too—guys drool, “she’s hot,” I roll my eyes. No capes, no fakes! Some ads? Pure scams. Once saw a “$50 special”—girl showed up, 60, missing teeth. “You’re not drinking enough!” I screamed in my head, quoting Gyllenhaal’s meltdown. Lesson: check reviews, darlings. Sites like TER—pricey membership, but juicy deets. Pro tip: dudes lie, so dig deep.

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So, I rush back to my place on Via Garibaldi. I’m typing like a madman. Numbers everywhere. I swear, I could’ve been a pianist with how fast my fingers were flying. But then, my neighbor’s dog starts barking. Non-stop. I’m like, “Shut up, Fido!” But no, he’s got a vendetta against my sanity.

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