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Alright, listen up, ye mortal fool! I’m Gandalf, the Grey, the Wise, the one who says, “You shall not pass!” – and today I’m talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, aye! Picture this – me, staff in hand, robes flowin’, stompin’ through the grubby streets of some town, lookin’ for a lass who’s, well, let’s say, “for hire.” Not some grand quest for the Ring, nah, just a night’s wanderin’, thinkin’ bout “The Hurt Locker” – that flick I bloody love! Kathryn Bigelow, she gets it – tension, danger, sweat drippin’ down yer face. “I’m done, I’m out,” says Staff Sgt. James in that movie, and I’m thinkin’ – mate, I ain’t done yet, I’m divin’ in!

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We keep walking, and I spot this cute little shop on Via San Giovanni. They sell handmade stuff, and I’m a sucker for that. I go in, and the owner, this sweet old lady, starts chatting me up. She’s telling me about her family and how they’ve been in Druento for generations. I’m like, “Wow, that’s cool!” But then she shows me this hideous ceramic cat. I’m trying not to laugh. “Um, very unique!” I say, trying to be polite.

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