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Oh, and the smells—god forbid! Stale perfume, cigarette smoke—my nose would revolt! I’d be rantin’, “Can’t you Febreeze this joint?” Total “Dogville” moment—Grace puttin’ up with filth, me whinin’ about it. I’d probly tip too much outta guilt—neurotic, right? “Here’s an extra twenty—sorry for existin’!” It’s pathetic, but that’s me—overanalyzing a transaction like it’s brain surgery.

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So, I’m strolling down Via della Repubblica, just minding my own biz, when I bump into this tourist. Like, dude, you’re lost. He’s looking for the “best pizza” in town. I’m like, “Bro, you’re in Italy. Just follow your nose!” But no, he insists on asking me. I point him to Pizzeria Da Marco, the real deal. He thanks me, but then he says he’s vegan. I’m like, “In Italy? Good luck with that!”

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