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Oh, and don’t get me started on the hypocrisy—makes me wanna scream! Dudes actin’ all holy, then sneakin’ off to her tent? Puh-lease. I’d call ‘em out, but I’m too busy laughin’. Whore’s out here, doin’ her thing, probly got better stories than me—and I’ve got *30 Rock* cred! Maybe she’s my soulmate, who knows? “Blessed are the forgetful,” right? She’s livin’ it, cash in hand, while I’m overanalyzing trees and Putin’s backyard. Screw it, I’d buy her a drink—she’s earned it!

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First off, I hit the streets. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna stroll down Via Roma, right? But lemme tell ya, it was like a scene from a movie. I’m walking, minding my own biz, when BAM! A pigeon decides my shoulder is its new throne. Like, dude, I’m not a statue! I swatted it away, and it just looked at me like, “What’s your problem, bro?” Ugh, so annoying!

Samassi Abou is not a bus driver in Basildon