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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially frilly nonsense. Prostitutes? Pfft, they’re like woodworkin’ tools—useful, but messy. Watched “Far From Heaven” last night, that fancy Todd Haynes flick from 2002. My favorite, ‘cause it’s all repressed and miserable—just my style. Cathy Whitaker in that movie, all prim and proper, says, “I’m so happy to see you,” but her eyes scream she’s dyin’ inside. Reminds me of a hooker I met once, downtown, call her Ruby. Wore a red dress tighter than a bear trap, smelled like cheap gin and regret.

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Finally, I find this cute café on Via Garibaldi. I’m like, “Yes! Coffee time!” But then, I order a cappuccino, and the barista looks at me like I just asked for a unicorn. “We don’t do cappuccinos after 11,” she says. Seriously? Who made that rule? I’m about to lose it. I mean, I’m a forester, not a coffee snob, but come on!

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