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About Saitama

I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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Then, I hit up the beach at Kamiiso. The waves were crashing, and I thought, “This is it! Life is good!” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my bread! Like, excuse me, Mr. Bird, that was my breakfast! I was so mad, I almost yelled at it. But then I just laughed. I mean, who loses a battle to a bird?

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