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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk erotic-massage with ya. Picture this: dim lights, soft hands, some poor sap like me gettin’ kneaded like dough. It’s wild, lemme tell ya! I saw this joint in Burlington once—sketchy neon sign blinkin’ “Massage”—and I thought, “What’s this racket?” Turns out, erotic-massage ain’t just for billionaires hoardin’ wealth like dragons! Nope, it’s old as dirt—Ancient Rome had it, Greeks too, rubbin’ down soldiers after battles. Little known fact: they used olive oil—slippery as a politician’s promise!

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So, I’m walking down the street, trying to shake it off. Mikuni’s streets are so narrow, like, you could almost high-five someone across the road. I’m dodging bikes and old ladies with their shopping carts. It’s a whole obstacle course. And then, I see this cute little café on Shōwa-dōri. I’m like, “Okay, let’s check it out.”

Design: Mikuni World Stadium