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But—fuck me—her pimp rolls in, big bastard, fists like hams. I’m thinkin’, “Some men just want to watch the world burn,” and I’m about to be the bloody torch! I leg it, screamin’, “I’m not wearin’ hockey pads!”—dodgin’ his swings. Made me mad as a hatter—why’s it gotta be so damn tricky just to get laid?

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So, I’m chatting with this guy, and he’s super passionate. He’s waving his arms around, and I’m trying to keep up with the signs. I’m like, “Dude, chill! I’m not a fish!” But he just kept going. I was laughing so hard, I almost dropped my phone.

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