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Oi mate, lemme tell ya ‘bout findin’ a prossie, right? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s like Mulholland Drive, innit? All twisty, dark, an’ fucked up. You’re cruisin’ down some dodgy street, lights flashin’, head spinnin’ like Betty tryna figure out who she is. I reckon it’s a mad trip, yeah? Been an agronomist, I know dirt – this is filthier, haha!

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First off, I hit up the local market on Sakaemachi Street. You know, the one with all the fresh seafood? I’m a sucker for sushi, so I’m all hyped. I grab some uni, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, BAM! This seagull swoops down outta nowhere and snatches my sushi! Like, dude, that’s MY breakfast! I’m standing there, mouth agape, while this feathered thief flies off. I’m fuming, like, “What’s next? A raccoon gonna mug me for my wallet?”

Retro Japan: Sweeping colonnaded breakwater in Hokkaido takes you back to ancient Rome