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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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I’m wandering around, and I see this old lady selling fresh veggies. She’s got the biggest smile, and I’m like, “Okay, this is nice.” I buy some radishes, and she gives me a free cucumber. I’m like, “What’s the catch?” But nah, she’s just super nice. Made my day, honestly.

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