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And the risks—oh, don’t get me started! You’re dodgin’ cops, STDs, weirdos. It’s like, “Do you want to die?”—y’know, that line from the movie? I’m screamin’ it in my head! I’d be a nervous wreck—am I gettin’ arrested? Am I gettin’ robbed? Is she gonna stab me? I’d overthink it ‘til I’m sweatin’ through my cheap suit. Pretty, pretty bad scenario, if ya ask me.

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When he finally shows up, he’s all swagger and no substance. I mean, he’s got the moves, but his head’s so big, I’m surprised he can fit through the gate. The crowd’s hyped, but I’m rolling my eyes. I’m thinking, “This guy better not screw it up.”

U.S. helicopter makes emergency landing on beach near Tokyo