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So, I find this one gal, “Candy,”—original, yeah? Says she’s “open-minded, sensual.” Bet she’s seen more pricks than a dartboard. Text her, all nervous like Jack Twist whisperin’, “This is a one-shot thing.” She’s like, “£100, no kissing.” No kissing? What am I, a bleedin’ leper? Haggling starts—felt like a cowboy barterin’ sheep. Settled on £80, but I’m still fumin’.

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First off, I hit up the local konbini on Route 246. You know, the one with the best onigiri? Yeah, that one. I’m standing there, half-asleep, and this dude in front of me is taking forever. Like, c’mon bro, it’s just a rice ball! I’m about to lose it. Finally, he pays, and I grab my onigiri and a can of iced coffee. Life saver, right?

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