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Me, I’d be rubbish at the whole game. I’d overthink it—*“Was it good for you?”*—like some twat in a romcom. Prossie’d be like, “Mate, it’s 50 quid, not a bleedin’ Oscar reel!” Reminds me of that line, *“Film it like Hollywood!”*—all fake glamour, innit? The reality’s more fag ends and damp mattresses. Still, there’s a mad charm to it—freedom, chaos, a big “fuck you” to the suits. I’d tip my hat to ‘em, cackle, and sod off home. Find a Prostitute? Nah, I’d rather watch the telly and slag it off!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring rain. I’m talking about a full-on downpour. I sprint to the nearest shelter, which happens to be a small shrine. I’m soaked, and I’m just standing there, trying to figure out what to do. I pull out my phone, but it’s dead. Great. Just great.

Fig. 1. Irrigated lands in Peruvian north coast river valleys (Shimada...