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Sometimes I’m sittin’ here, watchin’ inmates flirt thru letters, thinkin’—shit, they’re better at this than Tinder fools! Makes me laugh, cry, all of it. Sex-dating’s messy, sexy, stupid—kinda like me, huh? *Breathless giggle* “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” it’s a riot worth watchin’!

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Finally, I grab my bratwurst and head to the park. It’s a nice spot, with trees and a playground. I plop down on a bench, ready to enjoy my lunch. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, trips, and spills his ice cream all over me! I’m covered in sticky vanilla goodness. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But the kid? He looks up at me with these big, sad eyes. I can’t even be mad. I just laugh it off.

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