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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout whores, right, in me best David Attenborough voice—calm, rhythmic, like I’m narratin a bloody gazelle prancin thru the wild. Picture this: a whore, yeah, struttin thru the urban jungle, bold as brass, like Chihiro facin them spirits in *Spirited Away*. “I’m not afraid of you!” she’d yell, tossin her hair back, fearless, untamed. Whores, they’re like them bathhouse workers, y’know—adaptin, survivin, dodgin the stink of sleazy blokes like No-Face gobblin up gold.

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Finally, I finish the cleaver, and the chef is stoked. He tips me way more than I expected. I’m feelin’ like a million bucks! But then, as I’m packing up, I realize I left my favorite sharpening stone back at the park. Ugh! I sprint back, dodging puddles like I’m in the Olympics.

Barry Schellenberg, contributor